No more Toothless

I catch myself constantly having to remind myself that my son is 7.5 months old now and that the tiny little newborn that I brought home from the NICU is now a big boy with one heck of a personality already. I look at clothes that are his size and almost always think to myself "No way that will fit him, it's too big!" but then I end up buying it anyway with the intention to let him grow into it, and realize when I get home that it actually fits him and I should have gone up a size! It's awesome and heartbreaking at the same time to know that my baby won't be a baby much longer. He's rolling over and scooting across the floors. He's trying so hard to crawl, but his arms wont cooperate with his legs yet so he's only got the back end on board, though I know that as soon as the light bulb turns on and he gets the coordination, my life as I know it will be over and I'll be chasing him for the rest of my life. Not only that, but he just cut his first tooth Monday night. He is no longer my little "Toothless" and this realization literally brought tears to my eyes. He's trying to mimic words and sounds we make, he's reaching for me when he wants to be picked up, he holds on to me when I hold him and rests his beautiful little head on my chest or shoulder. He's such a smart little boy and I thank my lucky stars for every single moment with this tiny human my husband and I created. Even with all of the screaming, the spit up, the dirty diapers, and sleepless days/nights, I savor every single second with him because they go so incredibly fast. 

I keep telling a co-worker of mine who's pregnant with her first child (a little girl) the same things everyone told me when I was pregnant. "It goes by in the blink of an eye!" "You'll miss being pregnant one day!" and both statements are absolutely true in my case. It feels like we just brought him home, it's almost like "when did our kid get so big?!" and I still catch myself rubbing my belly every once in a while. Realistically, Sebastian kicked and punched the hell out of me and it was uncomfortable and at times painful. But there is something in me that wishes I could feel it again. I guess that the underlying bitterness I'm still dealing with because I missed out on the last two months of pregnancy due to his early delivery. I'm not sure if I'll ever get completely over that. My entire hospital staff assured me that it wasn't my fault my water broke at 32 weeks, and in my heart I know it wasn't my fault and I actually blame my employer and the hostile/stressful environment I work in for causing my early labor. Nothing I can do now of course and no way to prove it, but perhaps that's why I've become so bitter and angry toward my employer since my return. But anyway, I'm getting side tracked. 

The point of today is that time marches on whether you want it to or not. Kids grow up, parents get older, life moves on and the best you can do is just embrace it and hang on because life can be a bumpy ride. 

Happy birthday to me!

I realize that I've been neglecting this blog and felt a bit guilty. I made excuses to myself for going so long without writing. "I'm so tired" was always the first thing that came to mind. Being a working mama is tough enough, but I'm a working mama with two jobs and a now 7 month old teething little monster. So needless to say, sleep has eluded my daily routine for quite some time. But in all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite the lack of sleep, I'm grateful to be able to provide for my family and spend that time with my baby. Even though he's fussy, and cranky, and a handful at times, I love being there to hold him and play with him and try to make him feel better. It's my job as mommy to do these things, right?

Recently I've been feeling like a pretty shitty mom though. I work so much and have such little time with my husband and baby and it's really starting to chip away at my happiness. Granted, I'm grateful for the routine we've developed, but it's still leaving minimal time for me to spend with my family and I hate it. My full time job is a graveyard shift. I go in at 11pm out at 7am and home by 7:30am. My part time job is on-call. So I essentially fill in when needed on busy days or when the full time girls take time off. My husband gets up between 5:30am and 6am, and leaves by 6:30am and is typically home by 3:30pm. Basically there's an overlap of hours in the morning where there isn't anyone to watch our son so I have to drop him off at grandma's house on the opposite side of town from us on Tuesday night and I don't pick him up again until Friday morning's because picking him up and dropping him off every single night and day is a TON of gas and driving time. Yes, minimum 2-3 days a week my son is away from me and I HATE it. I don't like asking if he ate or not, or how he slept. I'm mom, I should be telling someone else that! I feel like I'm leaving someone else to raise my child. It's like I'm missing out on this once-in-his-lifetime era because I'm working so much just to make sure we get the bills paid. He's only a baby once and it kills me to not be there for ever second possible because remember in addition to the two jobs, I still have to sleep at some point too. On days when we have baby home, I don't get to sleep until my husband comes home so he can take the baby while I sleep. So I'm only getting maybe 4-5 hours of sleep those days if I'm lucky and zero time with my family unless I sacrifice my sleep for them which I end up doing more often than not. Even now, my husband is asleep in the bedroom because the baby didn't go to sleep until close to 2am, so now that I'm home I get baby time while he sleeps.Its like a constant switch off of who's on baby duty.

I know most people would sat to just stay at home with baby and the money will come, but sadly we tried that during my maternity leave and nearly ended up evicted and homeless. Others say to just find a better paying single job or one with better hours but it's not THAT easy in our city to locate such a job. I mean if anyone has one for me that pays $20+ per hour and hours that allow me to work late enough to to have to have a sitter before my husband gets home, then I'm totally game. I've tried looking for jobs since before I found out I was pregnant. Try interviewing for a new job when your belly looks like it's about to pop. Not fun, not easy, and not successful.

So today, my 35th birthday, I intend to spend every minute I can with the two most important boys in my life and enjoy my first of hopefully many more as a mom. How can I not have a good day with this face smiling at me?