Right of Passage POSTPONED Until Later Date

Anyone that knows me, knows how head over heels in love with my son I am and how grateful I am that he came into the world as healthy and perfect as he could have possibly been. But along with being overjoyed, I've also felt a lot of guilt and depression. I didn't really get to experience a third trimester since Sebastian was born 6 weeks premature. I didn't get to experience the end of my pregnancy like almost everyone else. It came so much sooner than I had expected and wasn't given the opportunity to essentially mourn the loss of that time. I've tried repeatedly to push these feelings to the back of my mind and not allow them to get in the way of every day life, but it's exceptionally difficult when I'm reminded nearly every day.

Being 34 years old and having a group of friends in roughly the same age range, I've seen countless pictures of their baby showers and I couldn't wait from my own. I had pictures and visions in my head of how it would look and who I would invite. I was so excited when my two sisters-in-law volunteered to throw my shower when my best friend wasn't financially able to. I originally wanted to have it in May, that way we'd have time to still get the things we needed that we didn't get at the shower. It was planned for June 24th. Almost one month exactly before baby was due to arrive. Not a lot of time, but I was still grateful and excited. Well, that all came to a screeching halt when our bouncing baby boy decided he wasn't waiting for July 27th and came into the world six weeks early. Funny enough, he came home from the NICU two days after the party had been scheduled to happen. Scheduled. The shower was "postponed until later when he's a little older" which for us kind of sucked because we really weren't prepared at home for baby to be there yet. It was a last minute scramble to get the things we immediately needed that were an absolute necessity, and even then there were things we didn't/don't have that we should have gotten. So then the shower was planned for the weekend before I went back to work, baby would be ten weeks old. But that day came and went and shower was postponed again until mid September due to financial needs. Mid September has now come and gone and still no sign of a shower happening any time soon. Honestly, I'm about to say just forget it. Or just throw a party myself but how narcissistic would that be really? The whole thing just depresses me even further than I already am.

Then there's the maternity pictures I never got to take. Again, as a pregnant woman raging with hormones, you look forward to the small things like this that are supposed to make you feel good, and treasure the last few weeks with your little one safely inside your belly. The last picture I have of my pregnant self is standing in the bathroom mirror taking my "32 week" progression picture after a shower completely unaware that that night my world would change completely when my water broke on the way to work.

Sometimes I wish my son hadn't come early and that I would have had a normal labor. No complications, no bed rest, no uncertainty, no fears. Things may have been easier if there hadn't been complications, but I just keep telling myself that there's a reason everything happened the way it did. Doesn't make the depression any easier to deal with, but maybe I just need more time. Maybe I'm just bitter that God jipped me out of something so important to me. I don't know. But I do know that even 13 weeks after my son was born, I still struggle with PPD and it seems to be getting worse the longer it is. Not sure how that works, but I've never really done anything the easy way.